Every man, no matter how well-endowed, has contemplated penis enlargement, in order to: increase length, pump up girth, eliminate the hook, or simply to smooth the shaft of unsightly veins. But the overwhelming majority decide against for reasons of practicality and lack of necessity, excluding the few fields where enhancement can further a career: male adult film star, college art class model or magnum condom tester.
The methods for achieving growth vary tremendously, but very little scientific research has been done on penis enlargement. This lack of study is downright shocking, considering the amount of man hours (4,266,708 – we’ll show you the math) that have been spent looking and wondering if our members could be improved. One more disappointing fact is that most techniques result in a mere 1-2 inch gain, which hardly seems worth it. If you are going to put your prize possession under the knife (or invest in other methods), you’d like to see more than cosmetic changes; something akin to a John Holmes-esque result. The various enhancement methods can be grouped into the following categories:
Male enhancement surgery can involve the implant of various materials, including silicone and the stimulant drug PMMA. Urologists have also started recommending cadaver flesh, which supposedly leads to less scarring and complications, excluding the obvious psychological boundary of carrying a dead man’s member. Thai physicians, coming from the world capital of penis enlargement surgery, have gone to such bizarre lengths as inserting less recommended materials, such as olive oil or crumpled yellow pages into unsuspecting patients. Another operative method exists that doesn’t involve implants. Approximately one-third to one-half of the penis is inside the body, which seems like a terrible waste of space. I already have something jangling about my inner thighs, so if I’m stuck with an unsightly appendage bobbing to and fro, I might as well make it an impressive one. Getting in touch with your ‘inner penis’ is as easy as cutting the suspensory ligament holding your better half inside of you. The shaft will drop forward and extend out, with especially good results for fat people, which is one minor positive for gross obesity. Many may ask if this technique can be accomplished without surgery, simply by pulling on your penis enough. Serial masturbators answer this with a firm no – the ligament is too strong for your puny hands. Straining and even bruising are possible, but detaching the ligament from self-stimulation is not.
People can make cosmetic changes to make the penis appear bigger, like losing weight, shaving the pubic hair, adjusting the lighting, bringing a magnifying glass into the bedroom, or subtly substituting your member for an enlarged rubber version when she looks away. Having filmed myself numerous times, I can also state with confidence that everything looks bigger on film.
Vitamin supplements, patches, tools
The largest advertising budget award in the penis enlargement world goes to the pills and promises that routinely make it through the hardiest anti-spam filters. If I had a millimeter for every enlargement ad I’ve received, I could use my penis as an actual third leg. There is wide agreement that pills provide no benefit, other than supplementing your daily sugar intake. Further, pills advertised as ‘all-natural’ or ‘herbal’ have been found to have an extremely high level of fecal contamination. And feces in any form does not lead to penis growth. Penis pumps are remarkably popular, having been joked about on television for decades. A traditional pump will fit a suction device (a ring) around the base, and a squeeze handle will vacuum out the air inside the cylinder. The vacuum lets the blood flow into the penis, but not out. Penis pump makers insist that repeated exercise will increase the total size, but warn that you should read instructions carefully. Slapping on a pump and squeezing away can lead to nerve damage and unwanted cell explosions. Recently, companies have also started rolling out ‘penis patches’, along with a significant amount of pseudo-medical literature testifying to the patch’s effectiveness. From insider knowledge of clinical studies, we can affirmatively state that the patch will not increase your size, but you may find your penis willing to give up smoking. Many may see a temporary gain, but the jury is out on pump effectiveness for long-term growth. If the pump does not meet your standards, and the maker does not offer a satisfaction guarantee, the pump can be modified to clear clogged sinks.
Hanging and Jelqing
Hanging is an ancient tradition of attaching a weight to your penis just behind the glans, then trying to do lifting repetitions. If you choose this method, just like in a weight room, be careful to start off light and work your way up to the max. Also, consider higher reps at lower weights to get a nice chiseled penis. Heavy weights could result in serious incurable injury. You may also wish to have a spotting partner present, who can utter wise words like, “You got it. It’s all you. Keep going. All you. Jelqing, or ‘milking’, is a manual stretching technique that involves wrapping the thumb and index finger around the penis while semi-erect and repeatedly pulling to force blood into the shaft. Many manuals have been written on the subject. In our opinion, ‘jelqing’ sounds uncannily similar to something else, and based on personal research, practically every day, we have our doubts about this technique. If it truly worked, we’d all be walking around with monsters.
Our advice is to be happy with who you are with your own god-given size. Time and money spent may not justify the expense. And most girls don’t have enough experience to adequately rate you, nor will they rub your nose in it if they do. And for the guys that just can’t overcome their shyness, only date/hire women that will do it in the dark, so they won’t know (and may never feel) what hit them. Or go out and drop major coin on the biggest, most awesome, jaw-dropping dong that medical science can provide.